• Vol. 07
  • Chapter 08

You Can’t Sell A Dime-If You Ain’t Got No Rhyme

Shop owner: His name is Ira-he's eight years old and can sing numerous songs including 'Waltzing Matilda'.

Customer: All the verses?

Shop owner: Oh, yes and in Spanish. He's a steal at $500. Customer: Hmm... I was looking for Broadway Themes; it's a gift for an actor friend.

Shop owner: Well, look no further than Siamese Sam; his rendition yowl of all the parts in 'An American in Paris' is remarkable *whispers* and slightly weird as it seems the deaf can hear him perfectly. A steal at $300!

Customer: That IS tempting but I was thinking more: The King and I.

Parrot Ira singing: We've just been introduced, I do not know you well...

Shop owner: Isn't he wonderful?

Parrot Ira singing: But when the music started, I need to run - you smell...

Customer: That's not right, it's: We've just been introduced, I do not know you well but when the music started - something drew me to your side...

Shop owner: It doesn't rhyme. He likes it to rhyme. *coughs* He's really more Gershwinian.

Customer: Can't you teach him the correct words?

Shop owner: You should hear his comedy version, it's really rather good.

Customer: I want the King and I!


You Can’t Sell A Dime-If You Ain’t Got No Rhyme

Parrot Ira singing: Oh perchance when the last little star has left the sky...

Shop owner: Oh no...

Parrot Ira singing: I look down, down below and see my little winky-

The Shop Owner covers the cage with a blanket; muffled singing continues.

Shop owner: I know this isn't what you're looking for, but you might be persuaded by the real star of the show: Ivan the Russian Hamster! Not long returned from the Kirillo-Belozersk monastery. You've not heard a true baritone sing until-

Customer: Wait! What's this?

Shop owner: That? Why that's just Sachin the Snake- Customer: But look at it paint! Such masterpieces!

Shop Owner: They're masterpieces *recovers* Why yes! He's a genius, separated at birth you know. Unfortunately the sister wasn't so talented; she sells knock-off Rolex watches to Bavarian street cats looking to up their image.

Customer: I'll use him in my art gallery as a feature.

Shop owner: You will? *recovers* Of course you will! Customer: Absolutely! How much? Name your price!

Shop Owner: You can't put a price on such talent...

Customer: You must have a price in mind?


You Can’t Sell A Dime-If You Ain’t Got No Rhyme

Shop owner: Well...

Parrot Ira singing: ...He fought big Goliath, who lay down and dieth...

Shop owner: $500?

Customer: Sold!

Parrot Ira singing: ...He floated on water, 'till ole' Pharaoh's daughter-

Shop Owner kicks the cage.

---7 days later---

Shop Owner reads aloud the headline from the local rag: "Local snake new celebrity artist; pictures sell for $250,000-astonished crowd in bidding war." Well, Ira - in the words of good old Georgy: "Bad news, go away, call 'round someday..."

Parrot Ira singing: ...In March or May, I can't be bothered now.

Shop owner: You sang the right words!

Parrot Ira: Man, aa jus seen yo bank balance! Hoodle Ah Da Waah!