Vacuous

Here comes that red mist again. Lingering in the crevices of my failing being. I need to remember to control my breathing, if just for a fraction longer than the last time.

It's thickening now. Swirling around my head like a bubbling lava cauldron, spitting fiery embers each time I attempt to escape through it — I cannot fail again. If I am ever going to get her out of my head, I will just have to get though this and stop doubting myself

''Shut up, stop trying to read my empty thoughts. I will not let you in!''

Damn her, just as I was beginning to gather the strength and willpower to bury her deeper than ever before, I allowed her serpent voice to make me question myself yet again. This is not good at all. No, something will have to change drastically if I am to leave this ivory fortress. The sudden crack in my head must be the voice again.

''Attention, all lights will be switched off sooner than you think. If anyone even as much as breathe discontent or vile revolutionary thoughts; you will spend the night in the oval.''

Not again. Not now. Not when I've worked so hard to convince my minder guarding my exit, that he and his loved ones will not be safe unless I leave this hell-fest tonight. I can manage to fight off the two of them from last night but I have felt another brave tormentor wanting to break through the red dust scattered in my head. My defenses are weakening. I fear that lack of sleep will be the death of me this time but it is vital for me to keep her at bay tonight.

Vacuous

''Stop that grinding metallic croak of yours ! I am willing to destroy you tonight. Your occupation of me is not welcome anymore — get out, get out!''

This is not good. The liquid walls are bending inwards. This time I will surely drown in this abyss. How did I allow myself to disintegrate like this? This brittle vacuous shell is all that's left of my former self. Even my murky memories are splintered, warped — vacant. I can hear a familiar tapping somewhere between the walls or is it emanating from the pipes underneath the floor? I need to lie down. My breathing is slowing down — but how can I? This will be my only chance. Even 'the oval' will be a generous end compared to where she will banish me to if I don't get out of here tonight. Wait, was that a key in the lock?

''No, I'm not ready. This is not what I've planned. I refuse ! ''

Dear self…

It's me, Em.

I am engulfed by ruby cauliflowers pricking my every nerve. It took me a while to find you again but your calm echo found me. I'm so tired, too many layers to burn through.

It's time...