Unlike my illustrious ancestors, I choose to go naked and not to slavishly imitate the ways of humans. Can you imagine how long this ridiculous pair had to sit perfectly still for their paintings; and how many sittings; and the time it would have taken to fit them into that stiff, formal clothing? They can’t move their heads. They must have both thought they looked regal, but all I see is subservience and humiliation, captured for ever, trapped in a picture more secure than any cage. At least you can piss in a cage to show your disdain. But I am not trapped. I can leave this scene whenever I please – simply turn, walk proudly out of the picture, find somewhere nice outside, and let the warm wind ruffle my fur, the sun shine through my ears. I have other, better ancestors though, fiercely independent, authentically feline – the ones who played snooker and cards.