• Vol. 03
  • Chapter 01

The illusion

I hated her and all she possessed. The way she stood perfectly and the way she held herself. I hated it. Not because she had done anything wrong. On the contrary. I hated her because she had so clearly done the logical, correct and reasonable thing.

It was a winter evening near Christmas time. The sky was a backdrop to countless sparkles of colour and the air was crisp and ready for greedy and spoilt attitudes. I was walking through the city centre with a scarf around my neck to protect me from the bitter thoughts of gasping children and money burning parents which, I felt at the time, were the reason for that night being so cold. Walking on a regular winter's night away from people is beautiful and bare. This night was full of want and no give.

Passing the butchers I saw her stood alone in the middle of the street. Giving warmth to the air she looked around puzzled and innocent. Vulnerable yet not in the pitiful sort of way. I stopped instantly. Then being careful not to be conspicuous I took out a cigarette and pretended that I could not light it. The heat from the fire was wonderful but harsh. My eyes were filled with stars and natural warmth, the type you get when drinking tea after a cold walk or a bath after a long day.

After years of looking I played over a script in my mind. Then after editing, re-editing, destroying it and finally writing what I deemed to be acceptable, I filled my lungs with smoke and exhaled slowly. Dropping the cigarette I took just one step before the world went black and the star in my eye went out like a candle being blown out. It was from this moment I hated her.

The pair of them walked away holding hands and laughing. She dissolved back into society as quickly as she stood out from it and I accepted defeat. After picking up the pieces of my ignorance I walked on home and began to read the message on the walls of my mind.


The illusion

That being starry-eyed is a wonderful, refreshing and unique experience that comes about just a few times in life. For just a breath it leaves you blind to the cruelties of everyday life and opens you to the wonder of the other world. It is only when it passes that you realise that it left you blind and ignorant. You can only get what you can see but the world is filled with illusions.