Sum Ting Light

Living in the shadows of fear and grief finally took the largest toll of all from her....herself.
She had no idea that she had no idea.
She lived like this always, reacting to everything, being a Victim because she had no confidence in her ability to choose.
Sleep fell upon her easily because she was exhausted, always going to sleep with nothing left except regret and contempt for herself. She did not know that she did not know. Her dreams were vivid and often violent, running away from something, someone, trying to turn on lights that would only shine with a joke of light, trying to open or lock doors to preserve her safety... just like in horror movies she couldn't get the door to open, shut or lock and the thing she was attempting to escape overcame her.
Sum Ting Wong... the punchline from an inappropriate joke became her mantra. " Sum Ting Wong with me."
Then one season in her life, she decided she was tired of battling. She gave up and acted as if she didn't care about the consequences and she did whatever she wanted. She consoled herself with the fact that " Life was too short, there couldn't be a God," and she was going to "do Something even if it was wrong."
And she did.
She dug herself into a hole so deep that when she tried to climb out of it the sides crumbled in on top of her. Then she gave up trying to act like she knew anything. She was bewildered. If anyone asked her anything, she replied, "I don't know." Indeed, she had no answers.
She began to picture herself as scraps of meat on the butcher floor and before she could get off her bed, she pictured forming the meat scraps into a form of herself and dressing her meatloaf self in clothes before pushing herself out the door. She was in bits.

Sum Ting Light

One day when she was walking her dog, the thought came to her, "Everyone is just doing the best they can." The thought came from nowhere, no one, certainly not herself. The thought seemed so profound to her, it became her new mantra. She believed it, from the inside out. She thought maybe it was God that had bestowed this raindrop of a thought to her parched brain and soul. Armed with this new thought, she began her journey of self awareness and began to think, breathe and dream differently. In her dreams she began to confront her attackers, even once cutting the throat of her assailant with tree loppers. She never had another dream where she was the victim.
She started to exercise and meditate and take care of herself and it seemed like people were arriving in her life with more information that increased her new-found position toward her life.
She is no longer Wong.
She is Light.