• Vol. 09
  • Chapter 01

Stiff Peaks

I. Am. So. Bored. Another one of these boring boring Sunday pot-luck lunches. Ma told me I could make myself useful. Great, I thought, hoping for a job with a bit of cred potential, like folding the napkins into dying swans. But oh no, I’m not that worthy so here I am whipping cream into stiff peaks. Say what? Like that’s gonna keep me entertained. My dying swan napkins would’ve kept everyone entertained. The cream de la cream of table decs. The chow at these things is always chronic - plates rammed with lava bread and an overload of sweet potatoes and lentils. Gross. I’m just as hungry when I finish as when I start. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind a bit of vegan now and again but give me stodge any day, between two halves of a sesame bun with mountains of Tommy K and a gherkin or two. A side of fries, natch.

Ma has that snarky look on her face again, a cross between the sucked lemon and the crap!-I’ve-stood-in-dog-crap look. It’s mega whenever Sarah Smithers is around. Pa behaves a bit fricked too. Shifts from foot to foot and can’t do the whole eye contact thing. Yo bro! I think the Pa-ster has a crush. Awesome sauce. To be honest I don’t get it coz in my humble opinion Ma Smithers is a bit of a minger. But Pa’s no Van Go oil painting either. We’ve been learning about him in school. Van Go, not Pa. Fancy being named after a tent. Weird or what.

I need to stop all this whipping malarkey now otherwise my arm will like so totally drop off. I’m defo gonna slink off home soon, chill out on my Frozen beanbag, plug into Ed or Jay-Z, and check out who’s trending on Insta and Tik Tok while I flick through this week’s Shout! Ma will dog-bag me some scraps later. As soon as folk start arriving, I’m gone, stiff peaks or no stiff peaks.


Stiff Peaks

Wait a minute. Wait. A. Freaking. Momento. If my eyes don’t lie, that’s Jonah Bush skulking in behind his folks. He’s like totally fit and ripped. Every girl in my class wants a piece of that and here he is and they’re so not. Losers! I’m ditching the headgear pronto.

"Jonah! Say, Jonah. You wanna hang out?"

Massif, innit? Laters, Ed and Jay.