• Vol. 04
  • Chapter 12
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Good evening, madam. Welcome to the Shark Tank. Did you have a reservation? Excellent, right this way. Not at all, we’re accustomed to accommodating quite large shivers. We do have a private inlet, but I’m afraid it’s reserved for gams of 40 or more.

Now, can I get you started with something to drink? We have a lovely Californian, if you’re interested in something extra special. Quite light, aged in blond caskets, of course, only the finest, with nicely balanced red and white cell counts, and a long platelet finish. Highly recommended. We also have the standard old world Mediterranean options, a sweet Italian, perhaps? Or a nice dry German? Ah, a Red Sea red. Excellent choice. Last year was an exceptional season for snorkelers.

Our specials this evening include an aged wetsuit, left to bob and drift for a week, stuffed with bluefin and krill, served on a bed of surfboard. Or if you’re feeling a bit more adventurous, we have a school of live mackerel, presented just there, in that eddy on the left-fin side, and of course you can hunt and catch them yourself. We do charge by the pound.

Last but not least, there is our famous sunbather special. The best thing on the menu, in my opinion. But I should warn you, it can take up to an hour to prepare. It all depends on the tide. Yes, if you lift your head just above the waterline, you’ll be able to see him, just there, in the distance. Notice that heat shimmer? Nicely suntoasted, lightly washed in Pacific saltwater, wrapped in white Egyptian cotton and blue nylon with just a hint of spandex. Served on a bed of terrycloth and organic coastal seasand. I recommend you try him very rare. We can let him lie a bit longer, yes ma’am, a bit redder and crispier, if you prefer. But it’s quite a delicate balance. He’s presented just at the edge of the high-water line, you see, so the saltwater doesn’t swamp the other flavors. We have to snatch him just as the first wave washes over. Quite so, madam, timing is everything.



Yes sir, only the finest free-range, bovine-fed Australian. Plenty of white meat. Do let me know right away if you’re interested, as I believe we only have one left this evening. Oh yes, quite fat enough to share. And if you’re feeling peckish while you wait, we can get you started with a nice surfer soup or a grilled wader leg to tide you over.

Yes, miss, we do have a few vegetarian options, but please keep in mind that we are known for our shorefood, although of course we try to cater for every dietary restriction. We do have a lovely fresh seaweed salad. You’ll find vegetarian options marked with a kelp bulb symbol. No need to apologize, madam. It’s more and more common, not just the pups these days. Shall I give you a few moments to decide?