- Vol. 08
- Chapter 09
I made it. I'm finally here: Paradise. The summer sun shines on the beauty around us, a warm day without bugs. The animals sing for everyone to hear, a few of the others play along. The food is perfect: just the way we liked it. The wine couldn't be better, I get to enjoy as much as I want and I don't get drunk. Why can't I get drunk? I want to get drunk; I want to forget. I desperately wish I could forget you, that you're not here with me. I don't try to taste the wine as it flows down my gullet. You would have loved it, and that makes it worse. The food. It's perfect in every way, but it doesn't compare to your cooking, and who could ever enjoy a meal alone. The animals, the singing. I wish it would stop. The noise. I hate the noise, I just want quiet. The sun, the stupid, raging, fake sun: always on the horizon. Is it rising or setting? It doesn't affect the sky around it, there's no beauty to it, just a pointless, falling star.
I stare desperately at the portal, my only window to the real world - to you - sitting in its wooden oak frame. It looks like you're going to take a new journey too.
I want to be mad at you, desperately I want to be furious about the new man. Who is he? Who do you dare let hold our son? But, I can't be mad: I know how much you wanted to make the journey: we planned a version of it together. I could never be mad at you, but I can focus my rage on him.
From my hellish loft in heaven, I watch you take the journey, I watch you stumble - furious that I can do nothing - I watched him catch you. I watched him teach our son math’s, I watch him love you both. I watch you arrive in your new land. I have watched everything, and I know I should enjoy the endless paradise around me, but I'd rather be watching you.
It is all meaningless without you. But, at the same time, I don't want you to join me anytime soon. I want to you to live, happily, in your new land. I can't even hate the new man, after the eternity I've spent watching, I want you to be happy with him.
And when it's your time, I'll get to see you again, and I'll get to meet and thank the man that raised my son. I'll love you until then, and I'll love you long after, even if you love a new man, even if you've forgotten about me, I'll love you forever, until this pointless, fake falling star sets and leaves me in darkness. Then, I'll love you more.