• Vol. 09
  • Chapter 12

Notes from an Archaeologist 2,000 Years in the Future on the Recent Discovery of an Ancient Artifact

At the bottom of the totem pole is what we can assume is their "God". The figurehead's remarkably hirsute appearance confirms our working theory: ancient humans worshiped hair, especially rich brunettes. Dr. Melanie Spranger, my esteemed colleague at the University of Melbourne (Mars), notes the cinnamon hues: "Like the colors of autumn leaves we've discovered on Instagram posts. Imagine: Earth had trees! Quite the remarkable find!"

At the center of the totem pole is what we can assume their "President". Wrinkly, hairless, tiny of nose, somewhat simian, this head of state would have been typical of a failing gerontocracy. (See: Ancient American Government Prior to the Fall, written by my graduate advisor, Dr. Andy San.) Nevertheless, their prez is rather cute, given their big blue eyes. Typically, they're depicted as sleepy. Their head leans to the side.

At the top of the totem pole is what we can assume their most prized companion. Three-eyed, neon green and antennaed, it might have been called a "fish". We can attribute this assumption to a historic Simpsons' episode, the one in which a three-eyed fish emerges from a toxic river. (If you're wondering, yes, it's two thousand years in the future and we're still watching The Simpsons.) Pets, for ancient humans, took priority over all. Hence, the fish's placement atop the totem pole.