• Vol. 01
  • Chapter 10

Neptune’s Projects: Bathroom Design, quote no 37514

Dear Bethany

Many thanks for your email of last week, asking for a quote to design and fit out your new bathroom.

Less thanks, however, for the image you included as a suggestion of what you and your hubby might like.

Now, I’m not sure how you came across my firm – I’m not in the Yellow Pages for a reason – but a quick gander at our website would have no doubt made you aware that the aesthetic that you suggest – the cliché blues and tepid pinks – are, well, an ocean away from the high-falutin’ visions I am here to provide.

I mean, really – look at that mixer you suggest! I quail with despair that an educated woman such as yourself, with all the design resources of the early 21st century at your disposal – Kevin McCloud’s ego, Kirstie Allsop’s id – could really think that tap – that placid, humble, ugly noose of a tap – is the best that you could aspire too.

Bethany, look – where I am from, I am considered a god in these affairs, so you will take it as read that when I say I can do anything in a confined space in a 1987 two-up, two-down prefab, I really, really can.

Challenge me, dear Bethany, challenge me! A kraken rainfall showerhead – no problem! Tiles that ripple with the colours of the Great Barrier Reef, while scrubbing your breath of particularly nasty particulates? Take it as read! A wet room that converts into a Polaris submarine, with triple periscope skylights and slate grey underfloor heating? I’ll do it for you at cost.


Neptune’s Projects: Bathroom Design, quote no 37514

May I not-so-humbly suggest that you go away and reconceive your brief, and aim far higher than your chosen image?

I am in the business of marrying heaven and earth, and I fully intend to show you that this can be done in Stevenage as much as it can be done in Harpenden or indeed anywhere else in this cosmos.

Alternatively, I know someone at your local Wickes, who could probably do what you want for about 30% less. Let me know.

Yours sincerely

PS: Seriously – that mirror? Seriously?