- Vol. 04
- Chapter 12
We met at one of his gigs, in a pub’s darkened back room. He came to find me in the bar after he’d finished. I was lost for words and stayed quiet in case I began stuttering, which I usually do when I’m nervous.
This sort of thing never happens to me, especially since I have a glamorous friend who usually gets all the attention when we’re out. He told me not to be nervous, then talked about himself to help me relax: how he was always being stopped in the street by people who recognised and admired him. I hadn’t heard of him before the gig, but I put that down to my ignorance of what’s what.
Now we’re seeing each other every week, when he isn’t performing, doing radio interviews or seeing his kids from various past relationships. He asks me if I know how lucky I am: there are so many women who would like to be with him. I tell him yes, otherwise he might leave me, which I dread. ‘Linda,’ he says, ‘you’re perfect for me,’ which makes my heart open like a rose.
When we walk down the street, I feel I am at least two steps behind him, in the shade cast by his powerful lamp. I am the moon to his sun.
Since I met him I’ve lost interest in my sad scribbling. He never asks about me in any case. Being such a feeb, I don’t blame him.
People often ask me what it’s really like being with him, which I find difficult to answer. Usually I say I’m a lucky woman and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My friends say he’s no good for me, but that’s because they’re jealous.
I know he’s bound to get attention from other women, but I’m a bit worried about Suzie, ten years younger than me and a much more attractive accessory for his arm. He says he’s helping her with her music, he’s kind like that.
I’m slowly beginning to disappear: first it was my big toe, now it’s the whole of my right foot. I’m afraid of becoming totally invisible. Every now and then I breathe on the mirror as I pass just to check that I’m still here.
Last night I dreamt I was lying paralysed on a beach right at the edge of the tideline, with green waves coming in quickly. There was a huge black bird circling overhead, shrieking hungrily. I wondered to myself: what will get me first, the bird or the tide?