Letter to The Times

Sir,
It is with great distress that I learnt of the willful reduction of donkeys at our local swimming pool. The six have been in situ since time immemorial and they are the custodians of our children's well-being and happiness. I, as a little girl, would sit on their accommodating and resilient backs and dream of a world populated with children and donkeys, which at the time seemed preferable to some unimaginative adults who would smile patronisingly and snap vacuously on their box brownies.

Now there remains just one survivor from this donkey decimation and funnily enough my favourite who I named Benjamin. He was the reliable recipient of my thoughts and dreams and gave good advice on the tricky subject of adults, which I acted on immediately with mixed results. Why or why has the Council in their infinite stupidity been allowed to reduce the ranks and cause such misery? I am aware that in these draconian times of austerity, cuts have to be made but not please to the world famous troupe of donkeys, who have graced our seaside town with their insouciance and charm.

I have been reliably informed that they are to be rehoused in Donkeys' Years which is a Sanctuary which will afford them all the respect and care they deserve but life will not be the same. Children and some discerning adults will be traumatised by their absence and Benjamin will be lonely and deserted without his friends and allies. I know what I will do, I will ram raid the building and carry him off to my home where he will see out his days in my capacious back garden. Please, please return the five, so they can rejoin their friend who is suffering such pangs of loneliness and disconnection which seems to me symptomatic of life in Britain today. It appears the water is fast running out as well, is this the intolerable end of seaside days as we know them?

Sincerely,