I’ve been working hard on my defeatism lately, and I think it’s really starting to show

I’ve lost my friends, as I’m prone to do, and I’m wandering around by myself not really wanting to talk to anyone. John has my ketamine and I haven’t taken anything in quite some time. I’m starting to sober up and this club seems a lot less fun. Someone places his hand on my shoulder and I turn around. A man that I know, whose name I don’t remember, is standing there with a much younger boy beaming a smile at me. I hug them both and say how great it is to see them. The man asks me what I’m up to and I say that I don’t really know. I tell him that I used to be high, but right now I’m not. He tells me to walk with them and we head over to a smaller chill-out room on the side of the main dancing area in the club. In this chill-out room, they’re playing monotonous ambient house. Everything is bathed in blue and green neon lights. The music video for Björk’s ‘Possibly Maybe’ is playing on a loop on a big screen. We walk to the end where there’s a bathroom we can go to. The three of us walk into the same cubicle. The older man hands me a small bottle with a clear liquid in it and starts kissing the boy. While he’s doing that he puts his hand on my crotch but I push it away and step back. There’s a ledge right above the actual toilet, so I climb up and sit there and watch them make out for a bit. I open the bottle and pour myself a dose of GHB in a plastic cup that I find on the ledge. I mix it up with some Coke that I’ve been carrying around and swallow it, but my stomach can’t seem to take it right now and immediately I vomit. The man turns around and laughs at me for a second, before going down on his knees to undo the jeans of the younger boy. I pour myself another dose and this time I am able to swallow and keep it down.