in a single pull

it is a fist penetrating the inner walls of the stomach
making the wound
visible to the self, to the world at large,
intestines wrapping themselves in knots
and then unravelling the person in a single pull.

mourning trust self-emulating, which today
colours old streets with a holy trinity.

resentment: negotiating making the table longer for Christmas this year,
and every year we can. present you to my grandmother,
show you of my life what you showed me of yours, and you
can't stand to be alone without killing every hope of doing that.

doubts: with a friend, so close, did you always, was i in the --
was that time -- but our nights, how --

insecurity: i couldn't measure up, i was too young, it was all sex
all convenience of distance, no one was going to cross
the motherfucking ocean for you, it was all a long goodbye
there was no plan there was no desire to keep going
it was too fucking hard, you were too fucking hard.

i remember you playing river but can't stand the sound of the memory,
it breaks me like you'll never know.