- Vol. 07
- Chapter 04
Stop thinking so literally—you're not a kid anymore. And yet… your world is upside down, isn't it? How can you deny what reality is screaming at you?
No more questioning your senses—now it's time to question your choices. Or are you afraid of falling into that other world--all the other worlds—that "might've been?" You know where all that goes…
You're impossible with your hoping and dreaming and wanting. None of that will ever equal change. That alone is why you should abandon all those inner machinations—they're only going to make you helpless and hopeless.
Why would you want to be ruled by a dream? Just because you think you can control it?
Your words, your actions—these are all you'll ever have control over! How many more times must you re-learn this lesson? And all the while as this is going on, you're getting older and older, and your situation isn't improving because you're just standing there…
Are you truly caught in a haze of confusion… do you really not know what to do anymore? You can't have convinced yourself you don't feel anything. If that really were the case, you wouldn't be so scared.
They've robbed you of your confidence, that's all. They've ruined whatever self-esteem you had. Between these two things and all that self-realization, how could you maintain all that gusto for life?
So many mistakes that left them hurt, and, yes, you were hurt too. But it's your refusal to forgive yourself, that's why you're so confused and so unhappy.
Your prevailing fear being if you let it all go into the past, you will make the same mistakes again because no one can help being who they really are… This is why you refuse to forgive yourself.
Doing so would make all those mistakes, all that hurt fade into the past, and then you might just fuck up in the same ways you always had. Better to ruin your own future than re-live the past, right?
Better to live with what used to be than know for certain you're incapable of change and always were. But, then, what is the dream? That you were ever going to learn from your own mistakes, or that never allowing yourself to forget was going to lead to a better world, a better life?
Or that standing here and catching your whole existence turned upside down in that puddle is the harbinger of something ominous you've been living with as long as you've been alive?