First Date

Is that…?

Hi, lovely to meet you! I'm Michael. Wow, you really do look just like your profile picture! You have lovely eyes–

Is that a fucking duck with a wig?

Him? No, he’s a goose, and his name is–

Why the fuck are you holding a duck with a wig?

No, I’m not, I’m holding a goose, and–

That’s so fucking weird.

I suppose it’s not the usual, he’s–

Is this a weird, like, ice–breaker thing you do on first dates?

No, though I suppose it does make me memorable, right? Ha Ha.

I mean, sure.

His name is Hank–

Yeah of course it is–

–because Hank likes to honk. Get it?

No, I don’t. And the wig?

The wig doesn’t have a name.

No, why is he wearing a wig?

Just thought it suited him really. I think he likes it.

You just had one lying around?

First Date

No, I made it. It’s from a doll.

Right. That’s terrifying.

Shall we go for a walk along the canal then?

Seriously?

Well, yes. That’s what we said we’d do, right?

Look, I’m trying to figure out if this date is worth it just for the story, or if you and your fucking weird blonde duck are going to, like, murder me and throw my body into the canal.

We’re not going to do that.

Well, that’s a relief–

Me and my blonde goose are going to murder you, and throw your body into the canal.

What?

I suggest you start running.
Hank is feeling…peckish.