Final instructions re seating arrangements

“…Then there’s Great Uncle Bertie
(looks a hundred and thirty),
with his black and white spaniel named Jack,
who’ll need frequent widdles,
so NOT in the middle,
but an aisle seat right at the back.

Third cousin Myrtle
(always wears purple),
but, I’m afraid she’s a bit of a lush.
DON’T let her in
if she reeks of cheap gin;
her ‘alternative’ hymns make you blush.

Sisters Effie and Maud –
their relationship’s flawed –
they’re either best chums, or fighting like cats.
At the first sign of trouble,
down there at the double
and threaten to confiscate hats.

Cousin George will be late
and he’ll just have to wait
‘til the first hymn is well under way.
That’s it for the nave,
but, if the choir misbehave
tell them I’m docking their pay!”