• Vol. 09
  • Chapter 12

Dating history

My first boyfriend was a South Shields lad. Clive was his name. We started dating back in 1992. He had all the cool stuff including a wardrobe of shell suits to die for. We spent our weekends at the seaside. He would get candy floss stuck in his facial hair. He did have a lot of facial hair. I don’t mean in a beard or moustache type way. I mean all over his face. It made kissing a bit weird and people sometimes looked at us twice as they walked by. I put it down to the matching shell suits at the time but now I wonder if they found him a bit odd to look at. Anyway, after he was poisoned, his parents let me help myself to the contents of his bedroom. The first thing I went for was the Gameboy with the epic game collection. The shell suits were cool so I took most of them. Finally, I was in want of a cloth to clean my oven so I grabbed a couple of pairs of relatively new looking cotton y-fronts. No one else would be using them.

It wasn’t until 1998 that I met Leon. There was a bit of an age gap. When I say age gap, I mean 49 years. I didn’t mind though. He was handsome in his own way. Those intense blue eyes more than made up for the wrinkles and the slightly turned up nose. This was a different kind of love. Intense. We would often share a lovely pot of Earl Grey tea while I distributed his sleeping tablets and codeines between us. And the money. The holidays that I enjoyed, sipping cocktails on the world’s best beaches. He wasn’t always fit to go but I always chose him a lovely postcard to send back. It was sad that he suffered so much when he fell down the stairs. I helped myself to some cash from his wallet to buy myself a beautiful black coat to wear to the funeral until the inheritance came through. With some of the money, I bought myself a nice detached house and a convertible to nip out to the shops with in case I needed a new handbag.


Dating history

It has taken me a while to get over Leon but the money has run out now so I have recently started dating Geoff. “Three eyes” they call him which is really quite cruel. It’s not a third eye, it just happens to be a dramatic eye-shaped birth mark in the centre of his forehead. Some would say it was unfortunate that in addition to this birth mark, poor Geoff was inflicted with a rare liver disease that gave his skin a greenish tinge. But I love him like no other. His mansion is the finest in the North East and he has the most wonderful car collection. It will be so unfortunate when he dies of his peanut allergy…