- Vol. 06
- Chapter 02
Dear Dollar Shave Club:
I do not normally write letters like this. I usually leave such letters to the nit-picky folks and the ones who only have the guts to say what they feel under the watchful and ever-sensitive eye of the internet. But, I feel compelled to write this letter and I feel that your group there are good-humored enough to take the facts as they lay without getting your panties in a wad. So here it is, plainly: Your razors suck.
To be clear, they didn’t used to suck, but they do now. You see, I ... well, I used it last night and the opposite of a shave happened. I thought it seemed a little tougher than usual, and I went to bed thinking I was just becoming one of the aforementioned nit-picky people. But, when I awoke, I discovered that my beard, instead of turning into a baby-bottom-smooth close shave, had in fact gotten longer.
“Well!” I said to myself in disgust, already beginning to point the finger at the good folks at DSC but hoping it was simply user error, and I went to shave again. But alas, my beard continues to grow! And quickly! That was an hour ago and the coarse hairs are tickling my fingers as I type. And I am not a short-torsoed man.
The beard is not only growing down, it is growing out and sort of up. In fact, I can hardly see my screen now, a problem I didn’t have when I sat down to write this letter. Right-o! Would you look at that? As if on cue, it’s gained another inch and I am not confident in this letter containing no typoos from here onn out. Oh my, the beard has wrapppped it self around my finger. Yes, my fingers. Wrapped. I... and now it’s... ow. Ow. Ow! It’s pukling. Polling. Pulbling. It’s Pulling!
And whats that going in my nose? And my mouth? And around my neck?!
hewwo. my name iz chin curtain. i have been thrown on ze floor and cut to pieces and shreddEd for many thousand years. for some, i am only invited when football teams do things and everyone yells and is drunk for weeks. and some call me lumberjack. i am not lumberjack. i am chin curtain and DSC will not keep me down. consider it a promise.