• Vol. 04
  • Chapter 12
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Celestial Bingo

It was a typically mundane day for Xavier in department X23-6. His slumped demeanour mirrored his mental state. His ergonomically designed chair annoyed him for not being more slouch-aware. The word "ergonomic" annoyed him. He was generally annoyed. Even so, he couldn't argue against the splendid views from his glass cubicle. No one had ever argued against a view and won. Views were too crafty.

Xavier's job was to keep an eye on several islands in the South Pacific region. More specifically, he was tasked with keeping an eye on grid reference X26 and whatever islands happened to exist at the current moment in the earthly stream of time (typically referred to as "now" in the fourth dimension). Fortunately for Xavier, he was not subject to the oppressively boring rules of four dimensions. To Xavier, time was like a piece of string that had a personality complex: absurd.

Xavier was a demi-god in training. He had been in training for a couple of millennia now although time didn't really mean much here. A billion years were much the same as a few hours from Xavier's point of view. "Generally pointless" was his opinion of fourth dimensional time, whenever the topic came up at the weekly bingo game for celestial staff.

As we gaze upon Xavier "now" (we are compelled to use quote marks here to indicate the absurdity of referring to time within the celestial realm) we can see him looking down upon his allotted grid reference X26. Now, I must confess that grid reference X26 is not called X26 at all. In fact, its real name comprises of a complex, seven dimensional algorithmic equation which is unintelligible to the human mind.

"How's it going Xavi?" came a voice from the edge of Xavier's cubicle.

"Hey Jarred, not bad. You?"


Celestial Bingo

"Mustn't grumble. Anything interesting on the scope today?"

"Well, this little dot is annoying me. It's messing up one of my beaches. Damn perambulatory weirdos. You know, I think it's sunbathing," said Xavier without taking his eyes off the floor of his cubicle which had a satellite view of his grid reference. A grin then came across his face and he looked up at his colleague. "Watch this," he said.

Xavier then started messing with the waves, flicking his fingers this way and that. He wanted to wake the speck up, get its feet wet, make it pack up and go home.

"Oh look, I made a face!" he giggled after stirring up three little wave clusters into the rudimentary pattern of a face.

"Xavi, dude, you're not meant to mess with the habitat!"

"But that little bugger of a speck is really bugging me."

He then flicked a little too hard. Waves crashed over the speck and it was gone.


"Ha! You know you'll need to do the paperwork for that!"

"I'll just call it an act of Bob. He's always a good scapegoat."

"Fair play. Coming to bingo tonight?"

"You know it."