BUYING GIFTS FOR YOUNG WOMEN

Spice. Pirate. Black Honey. Dare to Bare. Why are there so many? What's your wife's skin tone, the girl asked. To answer truthfully would not improve the efficacy of the purchase at all. She's dark, I said, darker than you even, and her hair is dark too, though not quite as dark as mine. I left the shop with my little bag, Boots it read, perhaps not as embarrassing as its brown paper cousin, that conveyor of fruit, strong drink, and videos not suitable for a child's eyes.

The colour was wrong so it lies at the bottom of a little bag stained pink and black on the inside. You've forgotten more about buying gifts for young women than I'll ever know. It's not my fault I only had brothers. Boys I could buy for. Boys I know. Toy cars. Soldiers. Guns.