But once I could

I know who I am and I know who I once was. Remember when you see me today. I am still that person. I need you to look beyond my estranged memory.

I am frightened. My timorous heart searches for a kindly word, a reassuring touch, a familiar smile.

My body and my spirit are unchanged just… I find it hard to express, to communicate, to make the contacts and to find the links.

I can’t catch my feelings, my emotions... anger, love, sadness. But they remain within me. They connect within me. They are me. They flutter, they tease, they flaunt and they dice with nonsense like a distasteful jester in the dimness.

Please don’t lose your memories of who I am.

Accept me now because if you don’t — what chance have I? In dismay, I hardly recognise myself. I struggle to be true and I fight the blockades in my mind. Above, below, all around. Chasms and canyons I cannot cross. Laces I cannot tie, ribbons I cannot bow, keys that don’t unlock, pennies that do not buy, names I cannot recall, words that do not mean, a voice that does not speak.

Thoughts I cannot reach... But once I could.

But once I could

My sentences begin, full of courage, full of determination, knowing their destination. But somewhere along the way, not long after setting out, they falter and hesitate. Though once so sure, so strong, so carefree — now they are lost: a mist descends. The way is blocked by a spiteful veil, covering clarity and obscuring all hope of completion. Now, my sentences are doubtful and incensed. My abandoned words scatter into a babble of wretched confusion.

Hold close our precious history. Do not lose yourself looking through a warped portal into my present and our future. You’ll need to take the familiarity and change it constantly. Always move to the next challenge, to the next obstacle, to the next certain uncertainty. I will frustrate you, annoy you, make you scream, cry, shout, run away, hide, deny, ignore.

That is our bond — because that is all I truly know now - and it breaks my heart.