• Vol. 09
  • Chapter 10
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Burning Bridges and Building Barricades

Turns out, the best way to barricade the tube doors is with a lawnmower. I won't tell you how I know this, but I think you can figure it out. Now one might now be asking, why would one need to barricade the tube doors? But I feel the more important question, is where do you get a lawnmower on the tube at such short notice? Because let's be realistic, when you’re barricading the tube doors, this is only done spontaneously; it cannot be something that’s planned, that would just be weird. But when you find yourself in certain predicaments, and it becomes clear that the only logical course of action is to barricade the doors on the tube, you know now, that what you must do is get your hands on a lawnmower- and fast. Time is essential here. Leave it too long and the lawnmower may very well be useless. I’ve found that it is in fact most beneficial to make a temporary barricade with other objects before a lawnmower has been procured. Examples of items which make a good temporary barricade in the tube are as follows; a military-grade backpack, two 50-litre plastic tubs, or, if in particularly dire circumstances, 3 small children, preferably somewhat feral. Now, these temporary barricades will buy you some time, but not a lot. As soon as they are assembled, it is time to look for the nearest lawnmower. They are not always easy to find in the wild, but perchance you may find yourself to be lucky; one may have fallen out of someone's pocket, and it may be left on the floor, forgotten and forlorn. This would be an ideal situation, as then the lawnmower will be easily persuaded to barricade the door, as you can convince it that this action alone will bring back their owner (who, let's face it, clearly doesn’t put as much thought into their lawnmower as you have). Or if its been a particularly hectic tube journey, there may be one cowering under the seats, afraid to come out, for fear it may be trampled. This makes it somewhat more difficult to persuade the lawnmower; first, you must build up trust, in order to tease it out from under the seating, before you can then gently suggest (and I do mean suggest) that barricading the door is the best course of action.
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Burning Bridges and Building Barricades

And finally, now that you know how to properly find a lawnmower in order to barricade the tube doors, I ask that next time you find yourself in this situation and you have promptly located a lawnmower, you must let me know what brand it is. Because so far, and I’m not sure if it’s just exclusive to the circle line, I have only ever met Mountfield ones, and I don't know about you, but I find them to be particularly rude and entitled at times.
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