Control

The morning was pleasantly uneventful but by noon she had suffered another epileptic fit. It was the intense sunlight, no other place had such strong sunlight. It was forceful in truth and beauty and she couldn’t bear it. Her mind started reacting to it, her body followed later. She felt a migraine coming, a sharp cut through her brain as light and pain were shining in. Too much of both. She didn’t have time to react. It happened sometimes. She would have moved to her hotel room where she wouldn’t be embarrassed by stares but there was no time. After multiple convulsions all she wanted to do was sleep. Bar for the tongue she had bit, the aftermath of the fit was an enjoyable, albeit confusing experience. It was her reward, she felt. For being such a brave girl. Such a brave little girl. She saw her mother. Beautiful, all made up. She had been to the hairdresser’s again. She smelt like the special shampoo they use there. Her mother leaned in to kiss her, leaving a stain of her red lipstick behind. She rubbed her cheek but redness seemed to be seeping in anyway. It was running up and down her body. It was slowly filling her lungs, filling her brain. Her eyes, like portholes of a submarine slowly immersed in water, were also filling with redness. It was a majestic aura.

‘Such a brave little girl.’

‘You just sit up for me, ok? You just sit up now.’

‘Don’t let go.’

‘You’re getting heavier, princess. I can’t carry you any longer.’

Control

A few hours later she found herself lying on the bed in her room. She didn’t remember much but she realised she had had another episode. She didn’t know who had brought her up there. She reached for her headphones and scrolled through her music collection on her phone. She picked Joy Division’s ‘She’s Lost Control’ and put the repeat setting on. She looked down and saw she was still in her swimsuit, threw on a dress, put her headphones on and closed the door quietly behind her.

She thought to herself this would be the day she would start living for herself.

She walked down to the beach, set her towel, her keys, her phone and headphones down and removed her dress. She entered the sea, feeling the sea foam in her fingertips as she slowly waded deeper. She wished for another episode.