Reflections on Aging

One more hoop to jump through
More red tape
More bureaucracy

Another day of misery
Another forced performance
In another dog and pony show

Missing those red letter days of my youth
Missing you
Missing everything about myself
                                         my internal motivation
                                         my sanity
                                         my freedom
                                               I felt as a barefoot child running
                                               wild

Dancing out my demons
Dancing a death waltz
Dancing so mechanically
                    with none of the easy movement
                    with none of the pizzazz
                    with none of the passion
                                              of my gloriously misspent youth

In awe of our differences
In awe of the night sky
In awe of my reflection
                      now so disapproving
                      now so haggard
                      now so aged
                                   the years having crept up on me

Reflections on Aging

And wondering just why you left
Wondering just what is to become of me
Wondering just how all this happened –
                                            this inexplicably wrinkled face
                                            this heavily creased brow
                                            this deep downward frown
                                                                             etching a
                                                                             trench of
                                                                             loathing

Trying to remember joy
Trying to remember you
Trying to remember those brighter days
                                                      filled with love
                                                      filled with laughter
                                                      filled with possibility
                                                                       all the way to
                                                                       bursting

Utterly failing to recall anything happy
Utterly failing to adult successfully
Utterly failing to find hope
                                  hope for my sanity
                                  hope for my future
                                  hope for my blackened heart
                                                                      leather-thick, sinful,
                                                                      and harsh though it
                                                                      is

Reflections on Aging

Unable to stop the suffering
Unable to stop the startled jumping
Unable to stop the years from coming
                                                despite my painfully sore and
                                                loudly creaking joints
                                                despite my achingly brittle, yet
                                                numbly calloused soul
                                                despite my deep and burdensome
                                                exhaustion                                                                     
                                                felt down in every atom of my
                                                marrow

Too busy keeping busy
Too busy struggling just to get by
Too busy fighting myself and everyone

To notice the reflection of gauntness
To notice the reflection of my tears drip dropping
To notice the reflection of my sorrow

In the sparkling water so deep