Limbboss

I can’t remember if there was ever a time that I was considered more than the sum of my parts. Maybe when I was young, before I knew the extent of what my body could do. Before anyone knew. But then, is anyone really afforded such consideration? To be judged not on the extent of their body’s abilities, but on merit, or goodness, or kindness. In the end, most of our worth is based on how productive a member of society we can be.

If you look at it that way, I am just like everyone else; exploiting my body to its limits to make a buck and get by under late-stage capitalism. Except for the fact that I can remove my limbs and reassemble myself based on my mood that day. Or the mood of my employer.

Typically, I’m employed for decorative purposes. One of my greatest assets is that I can elevate a dull room without really trying. I simply sit in the corner and attach my leg to my shoulder and my arm to my hip and bam⁠—art. I get paid pretty well, too. It’s a freelance gig, so that really makes it worth it. Some months are busier than others, you know how it is.

I’m also pretty likeable. Often I’m left sitting in the corner like some kind of ornament, but I try to encourage clients to take advantage of my bubbly personality. One guy, a curator, likes to have me greet people at his exhibitions, looking as normal as anything, except I have a leg on my head. People think it’s a riot!

Of course, there are creeps too. You can’t be a woman and avoid creeps, that’s the truth of this world. But let me tell you, that goes doubly so for women like us. Honestly, I’ve got a million stories I could tell. Most recently I had a guy who wanted to spend two hours alone with my nose and my left ear. Of course I said no. You learn to say no to things like that pretty quickly.

Limbboss

If there’s one thing I want you to remember, it’s that. Never let anybody spend time alone with any of your parts. No matter how well you think you know them or how nice they seem. The absolute horror stories I’ve heard. A friend of a friend doesn’t have knees or elbows because of some hotshot rich guy who wanted to take them to Hawaii for the weekend. Says they fell in the ocean while they were jet skiing; can you believe it?

Anyway, that’s all we have time for today. I want to thank you all for joining me for the introduction talk for the “Leaning In When You’ve Got Detachable Limbs” conference. I hope to see some of you later for my workshop on creating an unbeatable marketing strategy, where we will pay particular focus to defining the unique selling point of each body part.

Bye for now!