- Vol. 03
- Chapter 06
I hear snippets of information about you from others: I cannot look intrigued, but I am, regardless of what I say. I feign disinterest with unbelievable acts of shrugging and humming. I am aware that in some way I am looking at you from a vast, mind-nomadic distance. There is no physical, material connection — just me, here, you, there, and thinking. Imagining and learning.
I do not want you back, I do not need to see you ever again. Just knowing you have reached the conclusion I always hoped you would satisfies my heart and my soul. The background hum of my intellect has to be satisfied with your admission of defeat. No — not defeat. Let’s call it a revelation. Ironic, isn’t it?
Because nothing means anything, and anything can mean nothing. I live day to day with the knowledge I have. It shakes my very core and my entire sense of self. Do you get that? Does that happen to you, now?
Don’t answer me. I don’t want to know.
But walking past the billboards, the designer shops and the homeless on the street, I listen to Madonna and try to stay in the moment. The present has a safety that no one can deny.
When I light a candle, I think of you fondly. The darkness beyond is the perspective. We’re all unknown, a mere blip in time, and time laughs at us for creating stuffed toys for comfort against an almost indescribable reality.
Perhaps now you sort of know what I was getting at all those years ago. I was too young to articulate what I meant, but I tried as best as I could in the only way I could do back then. Perhaps you’ve been thinking. Perhaps you’ve seen something new, read something else that’s amazed you. Perhaps you didn’t want to get to the end of your days with no other surprises. Perhaps you’ve fucked, kissed, dreamed, travelled, laughed and learned.
The effect you had on me has marked me in a way that no other has. Because of you I am who I am today and I guess I can only be grateful for that. I have learned so much.
For now, I can only hope you have torn yourself away from what you were told to be. Confess it, I dare you.I’m winking at your mind by the way, not your face.
Ah, it’s all a mess.
I, uh, I mess you uh
ah our mess. The world’s ah mess,I. uh