Benetton Launches New Wise Umbrella

Tom bought me one of those new wise umbrellas, but I'm unsure of where or how to use it. Does it only speak when serious decisions are to be made or is it like a constant nagging mother?

I had visions of the umbrella castigating me whilst I browsed the trouser section in a clothes shop:
'You? A size 14? I don't think so, I really think it would be wise to head to the outsize section. Let's not fool ourselves.'

And I would dutifully do as the wise umbrella told me, secretly fuming at its correctness and knowing I'd never get away with setting foot inside a cake shop ever again.

Women everywhere are changing. They've stopped seeing men and applying make-up, the wise umbrella is revolutionizing the psyche of women. Recently, passing through Queen's Park, I saw a woman standing in the rain, tears were streaming down her cheeks and I wondered what the wise umbrella was saying to her?
Was it compelling her to read philosophy? Or advising her to head to the nearest psychoanalyst? To forget her high powered job or that she was a terrible mother, or maybe it recited poetry like a thoughtful lover?

I looked down at my folded wisdom umbrella, not at all sure if I was ready for its insight. But curiosity got the better of me. As I released it from the tight wrapping, it opened its eyes and blinked. Grabbing the sturdy handle I launched it into the air, up and over my head.

Six months have passed and it has never said a word to me.